Norman, Oklahoma USA

Dear Soonerguy: The Orange Cult abducted my dear daughter!

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Dear Soonerguy,

When you are expecting a child, it becomes obvious that your life will change.  As they grow within you, you realize this child will not only change your life, but become your whole life.  I experienced this back in the late 90’s and I wish I could tell you the dreams I had for my daughter. 

So what do you do, Soonerguy, when those dreams come crashing down in a cascade of orange and black?

I turn to you, because I now think you are my only hope!!  I don’t like to throw the word “cult” around lightly, but this time I’m chucking it out the window like a ton of sledgehammers blazoned with the words “Orange Power”!  How could I, a dedicated citizen of the Sooner Nation, have allowed this to happen? 

You have probably guessed by now that my daughter was seduced by the cult of Pistol Pete.  It’s enough to bring me to tears nightly.

At first, I thought it was just a phase, but then I realized that when I saw her, her clothes were less Crimson and Cream and more shades of Satan.  Shades that really don’t go well with any skin complexion, and yet those poor souls in Stillwater fail to notice. 

It is all part of the mind control they are experiencing.  But later, she got rid of all her Sooner clothes and began chanting their ungodly mantra “Pistols Firing” while throwing the cult signs of two fingers pointing upward toward the sky as if shooting God himself

The Horrors!

I need your help, Soonerguy!  She needs an intervention before it is too late and we can no longer rescue her. 

I recently saw a movie called “Clockwork Orange” aptly named in our case.  Do you think it would be wrong to kidnap her and hold her eyes open as we show her the hideous workings of their cult?  Perhaps flash pictures of their unholy leader, with his mullet and quick false smile.  I believe his name is Gun-dee.

I’m at the end of my rope.  Your reply is eagerly anticipated!

Boomer Sooner,

A mother who wishes her daughter were driving a cultless supreme

Dear mother:

Don’t beat yourself up. It probably started when she was young. When she wanted to play with stuffed animal piglets and dog poo instead of cute little white ponies pulling a wagon. When she wanted to sew her own patch work clothing instead of shopping at Cayman’s. 

There is just so much that you can do. But with time, and more devastating Bedlam losses for the Animal Farm in Stillwater in the future, then maybe, just maybe…your daughter will see the light and return to the Palace on the Prairie. 

Stay strong. May Bud, Barry and Bob be with you.

– Soonerguy

 

 

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